People pleasing, as many of us understand it, can be roughly defined as being overly concerned or preoccupied with seeking the approval and acceptance of others, often to the person’s detriment. In addition, these behaviors tend to lead to dismissal and disregard of an individual’s important needs and desires to “please” and meet the needs of others.
Moreover, people-pleasing can also be understood as the preoccupation and subsequent avoidance of other people’s disappointment and displeasure at the risk of one’s own needs, inconveniences, and/ or negative consequences.
People-pleasing behavior isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. Understanding people-pleasing behavior may also mean negotiating the demands of emotional labor and sacrifices needed to show up for others in your community. Essentially, not all “pleasing” behavior is maladaptive.
To address people-pleasing tendencies and behaviors, here are a few tips for managing from psychotherapist Meghan Watson:
Focus on what you can control. We may be interested in and care about other people’s emotions, reactions, and responses to their environment, but they are out of our hands to control. Focusing on what you can deal with directly and control, e.g., your emotions, reactions, actions, and responses, is helpful as you learn to tune into what you need instead of simply pleasing others.
Set strong emotional boundaries. An emotional boundary is a boundary you set with others around managing, processing, and dealing with emotions. For example, you might have more flexible emotional boundaries as a parent to a young child, who may still need you to teach or help them regulate their newfound emotional world. Comparatively, you may need more firm emotional boundaries in relationships with other adults who, when emotionally dysregulated, seek your emotional support instead of trying to cope and build resources within. This isn’t to say that we shouldn’t or can’t offer emotional support to others, but when you’re struggling with people-pleasing and regularly dismissing your own needs, setting stronger emotional boundaries in your relationships with others is a great place to start.
Clarify your values and beliefs. Knowing what you believe and care about (and why) can be a powerful tool to address harmful people-pleasing tendencies. When you tune inward to reflect on what matters to you, you put attention and energy into identifying the ways you can please yourself and show up in community with others. Often, it’s not a black-and-white issue but one that requires thoughtfulness to sustain a healthy balance.
