But I’m not saying that confrontation is without its problems. Whoever you have these conversations with, their views on confronting are going to come into play and affect the success (or failure) of it. A wonderful childhood friend, who would rather stick pins in her eyes than confront someone, sees me as a “confrontational person” (said in a tone that isn’t flattering). I see that we disagree on the merit of confronting. I also have a friend in my life with whom a confrontation is almost definitely in order, but because I know she would immediately become defensive, I don’t see the point. So I get that it doesn’t always work. Both sides have to be willing to calmly talk things out, and want to hear each other to find a solution — even if that involves listening to criticism. Not everyone has positive experiences with confrontation, so I can imagine those people must struggle to see it as anything other than an attack. As well as personality and life experience, culture plays a role. Australians are known to be conflict averse, British people are notorious for their “stiff upper lip”, and Americans are famous for expressing themselves so confidently, and one study found that people of the same culture are better at resolving conflict together than people of different cultures, because culture affects confrontation style. The Culture Map by Erin Meyer also points to this. Meyer claims some cultures are more confrontational than others and that it’s key to understand this so we can all work better together. On her Disagreeing Scale, Japanese cultural norms tend to avoid confrontation, while French culture leans into it. Although I’m third generation British, perhaps having ethnic minority heritage has subconsciously influenced my outlook differently to some of my friends. Maybe being outspoken was normalized in my house in a way it wasn’t everywhere, though I have nothing else to compare it to and can only wonder. Whatever the reasons, I’ve come to learn, some people will just never be okay with confrontation.
